If you aren’t questioning something, are you even alive?

Why am I doing this? Will anyone actually read this? Will anyone even want to read this? oh no. What if someone does read this! What will they think? What if they hate it? What if they hate me? What if..

If you saw me right now you would probably think I was just another bored retail worker, however there is actually much more going on. My anxiety is screaming negative questions in my ear, throwing stop signs at my every thought, making my heart beat like I’m running a marathon and my hands turn to ice. I’m making quite an outstanding performance actually, and should probably win an academy award just for staying cool at work.

So now it’s out there, I have anxiety. But don’t worry it’s not contagious.. !!SPOILER ALERT!! I also have depression and insomnia. (Also not contagious, in case you were wondering.) In the space I am in now I’m able to joke around about my mental health and speak about it lightly. That of course has not always been the case, and I could probably win another award for hiding my illness in the past. But I’m not worried about people knowing anymore, and why should I be anyway? Just because it takes me a little longer to get out of bed than you do, and I probably see 3:00 am on the clock more than you do, and okay, sure sometimes I might need to take a day off just hangout by myself and watch Netflix, but I’m still me. Just like you are you.

Mental Illness still has a stigma around it, which leads most people to hide their illnesses, which honestly only makes things worse. Yes, the stigma has slowly began disappearing but there is still a long way to go, and I want to do my part. Thankfully there are people in the media who are putting themselves out there so other people who are suffering can know they are not alone.

I think the main reason I can be so open about it now is that I just don’t fucking care anymore. Go ahead and think I’m “strange” for being the only person in my family with depression. Go ahead and tell me to “just think happy thoughts” or to “just calm down”. Go ahead and leave because “I’ve changed”. I don’t care. I know who I am, and I really like who I’m becoming. If someone doesn’t agree with that, that’s fine. Everyone has the right to think, feel and believe what they want. But I suffered with my mental illnesses for years, and I can finally say that I’m getting better. I survived. **Starts blasting Destiny’s Child** But all jokes aside, when you’ve been in a place where you truly believe you will not make it, being alive is amazing. I’m alive, and I’m ready to live. I’m ready to ask questions, and break down my walls, and shout from the top of Signal Hill that “I SURVIVED”. Some people may see this as silly and no big deal, but for me, its big. Really big.

I’ve come to realize that what I need to do now is to surround myself with people to support me and inspire me to become the happy, loving, peaceful person I once was. Distancing myself from the pessimistic people in my life is daunting, and I know it is going to be a very difficult process. But I’ve started a new chapter, scratch that, I’ve started a whole new book and this time around, negativity can kiss my ass.

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