The opposite of darkness is life

Coco Chanel had it right when she said “A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life”. And I can only assume she was referring to me.

Somewhere along my journey of growing up, I became this closed off person. My friends would joke about my heart being ice cold, and they all knew that I wasn’t the person to go to for heart-opening, tear-jerking conversations. I was never one to talk about my feelings, and I’d be the last person you would want to run to for a comforting hug on a bad day. This is making me sound like a really crappy person, and a horrible friend but what I’m trying to prove is this isn’t quite accurate anymore. I’ve changed. Sure, I’m still probably not going to give you a very satisfying hug, but I will tell you about my feelings, and I may shed a tear. Just one though. Don’t get crazy.

I think this change happened when I started finding happiness. This happiness came from finding smiles. Every waking hour I search for things that will make me smile. It can be a delicious cup of coffee, a squirrel running across the yard, or even my friends. I needed to stop letting the bad keep me under water, and let the good pull me up for air. That being said, life is a lot like water, theres currents and an ebb and flow, and there are going to be days when you struggle to stay afloat. I’ve recently gone through a bit of a backslide, I let the water push me the wrong way. Instead of being upset over it I’m trying to embrace it and turn it around to a good change. Hey, I didn’t capsize!

Im taking the words of my dear friend Coco quite literally. I’ve cut and dyed my hair, and I’m going to make a change. I might not know exactly what that change will be yet, but I’m determined to do something, to change something. I’m starting with mental illness and the stigma surrounding it. Thats a big reason behind this blog, and its the reason I’m going to be brave and let the world know who I actually am. 

I’ve been in dark places more than I’d like to admit, and I think I’ve been in dark places without even fully realizing I was. It’s cold in the shade and maybe thats why I was. But coming out of the darkness and into life has opened my eyes and the light has poured into my soul. Each day I step further from those dark places and I can feel myself changing for the better. I might not be proud of who I was, but I’m already proud of who I’m becoming.

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