The Lotus List

She was a lotus flower, growing from the mud.

When i first got diagnosed with depression, I was confused. I didn’t understand what was happening inside me and it felt like I was stuck in reverse. I was put on a few medications but nothing seemed to work. Each day, I would wake up and take my medications, but i still felt awful. Every single visit to my doctor ended in an increase in my dosages, or a change to my medications. Nothing seemed to be working, which made me more and more frustrated. I just kept spiralling downward. I’d often ask myself why i even bothered to take these medications if they appeared to have zero effect. I had thought that one day I would wake up and feel normal, that all these medications would have finally kicked in and I’d be cured. But unfortunately that’s not the way it works.

I had to accept the fact that the medications weren’t going to “fix” me on their own. I needed to wake up and realize that my life wasn’t a YA novel. This perfect person wasn’t going to walk into my life and save me with love. I needed to save myself. I had somehow wandered into a graveyard, and fallen into a six foot hole. I needed to get dirty and dig my way out of the mud.

My efforts included:

1. Stopped listening to sad music
2. Stopped reading books about suicide
3. Started going to therapy
4. Took the time to do the things I enjoyed
5. Stopped feeling guilty about having a “down day”
6. Started validating my feelings
7. Started meditating more often
8. Started writing more
9. Started practicing yoga more
10. Remembered to smile everyday
11. Remembered to laugh everyday
12. Learned to appreciate the small things in life
My list is full of starting and stopping. That’s because depression alters your personality, and makes you stop wanting to do things that make you smile and start doing things that are going to hurt. So when you’re trying move forward, you need to do the opposite. Start doing things that make you laugh again, and stop thinking you don’t deserve happiness, because you do, everyone does.

2 thoughts on “The Lotus List

  1. You’re so brave! And I’m sure what you’re going through will help others one day. Keep doing what you’re doing and don’t look back! 🙂

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