It’s dark. You’re alone. You’re scared. There’s something screaming inside you, “You’re not good enough. You’re worthless. You’re disgusting. You’re toxic. You’re a monster. Give up. You don’t deserve a happy life. You will never be happy.” You’re scared. You can feel yourself slipping. You’re drowning. You’re mind is morphing into something else. There’s a leech sucking the light out of you. You can’t see a future. You’re surrounded by darkness. You’re stuck in the darkness. You can’t breathe. You’re shaking. You can’t sleep. You can’t get out of bed. You physically can’t move. You can’t eat. You’re not you anymore. You can’t stop it.
Metaphorically, happiness is light and depression is darkness, and since the beginning of time people have been scared of the dark. It’s when it’s dark that the predator pounces. You lose your sense of sight in the dark. That’s when the monsters crawl out from under your bed. But as soon as you flick on the light, everything is okay. Depression is when you’re mind is dark, and you can’t find the light switch.
I often say, “I was in a dark place”, what I mean when I say this is my mind was in a dark place. When you’re mind is dark, it’s difficult to be happy. As soon as a happy thought breaks through, the darkness grabs hold of it and smothers it. I think this darkness is why depression is often described as feeling like you’re drowning. Like someone has tied a weight to your ankle and you’re being pulled under.
Sometimes it’s hard to believe anything but what your depression tells you. You may feel like you’ve tried everything to get better but nothing working. At least that’s how I felt. I knew that I needed to find my light but I just couldn’t. Everything I tried failed. As soon as I thought I found my light, the bulb would blow. It
was is a never-ending battle. But you know what they say, the longer the battle the sweeter the victory. I eventually found my light, and I realized what the problem was all long; I was looking for a switch. When i should have been looking for a spark.
A spark is all you need to start a fire. When you have depression, happiness is more like a fire than a light switch anyway, its something you have to tend to, to make sure it keeps burning. And that spark can be anything at all, anything that makes you smile. All you need is one thing, and it will start a chain reaction inside you. A smile will lead to a laugh, which will lead to a conversation, which will lead to an idea, which will spark inspiration and ignite your happiness.