Disappointment?

If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

Invisibility. 

This was my answer for as long as I can remember. There was always something I wanted to hide away from, whether is was an awkward situation, an uncomfortable conversation, or just my own spinning mind. Wishing I could fade away, out of existence became a daily ritual. I felt that my life was a disappointment, that I was disappointing everyone around me, by just being here. I’m pretty sure everyone agrees that it’s better to have someone mad at you, than for them to be disappointed in you. It is not a good feeling knowing you’ve disappointed someone, it’s even worse when you’ve disappointed yourself.

Lets backtrack 5 or 6 years; I was always know as the heartless one with my friends. They wouldn’t come to me when they were upset because they knew they wouldn’t get much emotion out of me. I kind of let this define me and I got really good at keeping my feelings to myself.

Cut to present day and all of a sudden, I find myself standing on this figurative ledge, telling this captivating person how I feel about them and I get shot down.

Scheisse.

I started to fall backwards into my old ways of wanting to crawl under a rock. I was so disappointed in myself, I opened up to someone about my feelings. Why did I do that? I gave up on everything I believed in! I should have just kept it to myself. I felt like such an idiot. My mind started to spiral.

Then something weird happened.. life went on.

Of course, I was extremely embarrassed, and I still am *silently praying that he never reads this* but at the same time I’m also kind of proud. I did it! I opened up to someone! I told someone how I felt! Sure, it didn’t exactly go as planned, but it was still a big accomplishment. It’s a step in the right direction, away from the shadows of my safe, hiding place.

Somewhere along the journey of these past 6 years I guess something changed. I guess, I changed. I’m not exactly sure when I became this person who declares her feelings to attractive men then writes about the embarrassment of it on the internet, but whatever, I’ll go with it.

If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

Invisibility. The ability to travel through time and space.

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