While flicking through the “Quotes” category of Pinterest, I stumbled across this;
“And if I asked you to name all the things that you love, how long would it take for you to name yourself?”
I don’t think I ever would have named myself, which is kind of scary. You’re supposed to love yourself, right? But I not sure I know how to love myself, or what that even means, so I figured I should probably investigate.
My first thought was; Why should you love yourself? Love makes people happy. If you picture someone in love, they’re positive, they’re smiling, they’re happy. So if you love yourself, do you have a better chance at being happy? They say happiness comes from within, which makes sense seeing positive thinking evokes happiness. If that’s true, then being happy with who you are starts with thinking positive of yourself and ends with loving yourself.
My second thought was, How do you know if you love yourself? This question was a little more difficult for me. I’m not one to use the word “love” very much. There have been a few points in my life when I wasn’t sure if I was capable of feeling that emotion, and I’m still not 100% sure. So asking “How do you know if you love yourself?”, quickly turns externally for me, into “How do know if you love anything?” To further investigate I look to the top of my “Things you love” list, my friends and family. I think of my best friends and what I want for them; I want them to do things that make them happy, to do great things and be successful, to date the best of the best and feel loved, to never have to deal with negativity, and to know they have someone they can always depend on so they never feel alone. I thought about how I always want the absolute best for them.
Considering all that, do I love myself? No.
I’m not positive on how to change my answer, but I think I need to start treating myself, the same way I treat my friends. If my friend was feeling sad, or alone, I’d tell them its okay to feel down, and remind them of all the positive things they have in their life. If my friend was in a bad situation, or dating a horrible person, I’d tell them they deserve better, that they deserve happiness. So why do I tell myself the exact opposite? Why do I trap myself in the shadows but push everyone else out into the sunlight? Maybe it’s from depression, or history of self-harm, or maybe it’s just my personality, but it has got to stop. I need to become my own best friend.
Being my own best friend sounds a little sad, like I don’t have any friends, which is not the case. I have a lovely group of friends, but it doesn’t matter if I have 2 friends or 200 friends, when I’m feeling sad and down, I’m completely alone. I push myself into a dark place inside, but function completely normally on the outside, so no one knows I’m hurting. This is why I need to become my own best friend. If I’m hiding my happiness and burying it so deep it’s unreachable, how can I expect my friends to save me? You can’t rely on anyone to understand your feelings, other than yourself.
I need to rescue myself. I need to love myself.
I’ll always be my own worst critic, but starting today I’m my biggest supporter as well. I’m writing that statement here to hold myself accountable, so I don’t let myself down, or the two people that might actually read this. I’ve been told before how I can be quite contradictory, and this kind of proves that, but arguing makes relationships stronger and I’m here for me ’til death do us part.