I recently spiralled down, way down, this is how it went.
10:02 pm – Arrive at the pharmacy to pick up meds. Realize they closed at 10:00
11:00 pm – Going to sleep without one of my medications. About to spend the whole night twisting and turning.
4:30 am – Wake up soaked in sweat from a nightmare. Has to get up change clothes and bedding. Spends the next hour replaying the dream in my head.
7:15 am – Alarm goes off. I roll over and go back to sleep.
7:45 am – I wake up with a start, noticing I’ve slept in and jump out of bed to get ready for work.
8:06 am – Arrive back at the pharmacy to try and pick up my meds again. Realize they don’t open until 9:00…
8:10 am – Stop at a coffee shop to pick up breakfast. Coffee is burnt and they’re out of bagels.
8:20 am – Arrive at work.
4:30 pm – Arrive home from work. Immediately put on pyjamas and get in bed. Spend the next 5 hours napping on and off.
9:00 pm – Realize I didn’t go back to the pharmacy and now I am out of 2 different medications.
9:15 pm – Going to sleep for another stress filled night.
10:45 am – I wake up and race to meet my family for breakfast.
12:00pm – Arrive home and get back in bed. Spend the next 4 hours napping on and off.
4:30 pm – Arrive at the pharmacy to pick up both medications. Immediately takes one before driving home.
5:00 pm – Sitting in the driveway, feeling so heavy, wondering if I can make it into the house.
5:05 pm – Depression sinks in. Tears start to stream down my cheeks.
5:30 pm – I’m now sobbing and can’t figure out why. All of a sudden my mind is full of negativity.
5:45 pm – My mind starts heading back to it’s old ways, wondering where my old blade is. I start fighting with myself to stop. I start begging my mind to calm down.
6:00 pm – I fill the bathtub with hot water and climb in, hoping the water burning my skin will bring me back to the present.
6:30 pm – Still can’t calm down. As I refill the tub with hotter water my mind is flooded with negativity. I’m sobbing, my chest is heavy, it feels like my lungs are about to cave in. When I feel like I can’t breathe anymore, I close my eyes, hold my breath and sink into the water. After what feels like an eternity my body’s natural instincts kick in and I sit up.
7:00 pm – Stumbling out of the tub, I gulp in fiery air, my lungs burning.
7:15 pm – I’m sitting in my bed focusing on my breathing, eventually it slows and I begin to write this post. Breaking down the past 48 hours into specific events, and accepting each individual event for what it was allows me to move past it and back into the now.
Cut to the next morning – I feel better. Lighter.
Sometimes it’s when you’ve been feeling the best that you hit the ground the hardest. Sometimes when you forget how horrible it feels, you forget how important your medications are to you.
Sometimes when all the happy has left your body you need to crack, so the light can find it’s way back in.