My Poetry Debut.

I’ve been working on loving my self, for some time now, and seeing I’m someone who struggles with depression and negative self-talk, it’s not easy. I guess re-wiring your mind isn’t supposed to be easy, is it.

From what I’ve learned, one of the major steps in learning how to love yourself, is taking care of yourself, physically and emotionally. Physically is the easy part. Exercise, eat well, drink lots of water, take your vitamins, and listen to your doctor. Taking care of your emotional self if the difficult part. You need to be able to recognize your emotions before you can understand them, and you need to understand them before you can heal them.

Years of therapy have helped me recognize my emotions, and now I’m learning on the understanding and healing, which tend to go hand-in-hand. Often times, so I’ve realized, is once you finally understand something you’ve been feeling for such a long time, healing comes naturally. Almost as if what was holding you back from healing was not understanding why you were feeling a certain way.

Most of my healing has come from the help of poetry. Poetry has always been something I’ve loved, but not something I ever truly connected with, until recently. Reading the work of Lovelace, Sin, and Kaur have helped me more than any “self-help” book ever could. For I learned that other people have felt what I’ve felt, due to reasons similar to my own, and have come out on the other side. That just because something happened to you, doesn’t mean it defines you, and doesn’t mean you can’t be you again.

I’ve been inspired by these fantastic writers and have started writing my own poems. Now, by no means am I a poet or an author, but the simple act of writing has always proven to be therapeutic for me, especially poetry. I think this is so, because of the beauty behind poetry. It’s hard to feel sad when you’re writing such beautiful words.

I’ve always said that I would never share my poetry, because 1) it’s a little dark, and 2) I don’t think I’m very good. That might sound a little superficial, but I’m a bit of a perfectionist sometimes, which makes it hard to try new things, and writing poetry is definitely something new to me. However everyone starts somewhere, and if you don’t share your work, no one can learn from it.

They say you’re supposed to do one thing each day that scares you, so this is my big scary debut into the world of poetry.

May 13th

I say i stopped cutting on May 13th, but i didn't 
that was the day i passed the knife to you.
Each kiss, touch, and look was a lie
the knife dancing across my skin.
Every time you whispered 'i love you'
you dug the knife a little deeper.
I say i stopped cutting on May 13th, but i didn't
I stopped the day i left you. 

Sometimes a dark poems leave you feeling light. That is what this poem does for me. When I wrote it I didn’t plan to say what I said, the words just flowed. This was one of my first poems, and is about something that has very much changed my perspective on life. I’ve talked about self harm before, and it has been something I’ve wanted to forget for such a long time, however not anymore. I understand those emotions better now, and now they are what keep me grounded in times of unease.

My tally marks are a reminder of what what I’m capable of surviving, and my poetry is a reminder of how I’m going to overcome anything that tries to hold me back from living.

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My Own Best Friend

While flicking through the “Quotes” category of Pinterest, I stumbled across this;

“And if I asked you to name all the things that you love, how long would it take for you to name yourself?”

I don’t think I ever would have named myself, which is kind of scary. You’re supposed to love yourself, right? But I not sure I know how to love myself, or what that even means, so I figured I should probably investigate.

My first thought was; Why should you love yourself? Love makes people happy. If you picture someone in love, they’re positive, they’re smiling, they’re happy. So if you love yourself, do you have a better chance at being happy? They say happiness comes from within, which makes sense seeing positive thinking evokes happiness. If that’s true, then being happy with who you are starts with thinking positive of yourself and ends with loving yourself.

My second thought was, How do you know if you love yourself? This question was a little more difficult for me. I’m not one to use the word “love” very much. There have been a few points in my life when I wasn’t sure if I was capable of feeling that emotion, and I’m still not 100% sure. So asking “How do you know if you love yourself?”, quickly turns externally for me, into “How do know if you love anything?” To further investigate I look to the top of my “Things you love” list, my friends and family. I think of my best friends and what I want for them; I want them to do things that make them happy, to do great things and be successful, to date the best of the best and feel loved, to never have to deal with negativity, and to know they have someone they can always depend on so they never feel alone. I thought about how I always want the absolute best for them.

Considering all that, do I love myself? No.

I’m not positive on how to change my answer, but I think I need to start treating myself, the same way I treat my friends. If my friend was feeling sad, or alone, I’d tell them its okay to feel down, and remind them of all the positive things they have in their life. If my friend was in a bad situation, or dating a horrible person, I’d tell them they deserve better, that they deserve happiness. So why do I tell myself the exact opposite? Why do I trap myself in the shadows but push everyone else out into the sunlight? Maybe it’s from depression, or history of self-harm, or maybe it’s just my personality, but it has got to stop. I need to become my own best friend.

Being my own best friend sounds a little sad, like I don’t have any friends, which is not the case. I have a lovely group of friends, but it doesn’t matter if I have 2 friends or 200 friends, when I’m feeling sad and down, I’m completely alone. I push myself into a dark place inside, but function completely normally on the outside, so no one knows I’m hurting. This is why I need to become my own best friend. If I’m hiding my happiness and burying it so deep it’s unreachable, how can I expect my friends to save me? You can’t rely on anyone to understand your feelings, other than yourself.

I need to rescue myself. I need to love myself.

I’ll always be my own worst critic, but starting today I’m my biggest supporter as well. I’m writing that statement here to hold myself accountable, so I don’t let myself down, or the two people that might actually read this. I’ve been told before how I can be quite contradictory, and this kind of proves that, but arguing makes relationships stronger and I’m here for me ’til death do us part.

 

Disappointment?

If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

Invisibility. 

This was my answer for as long as I can remember. There was always something I wanted to hide away from, whether is was an awkward situation, an uncomfortable conversation, or just my own spinning mind. Wishing I could fade away, out of existence became a daily ritual. I felt that my life was a disappointment, that I was disappointing everyone around me, by just being here. I’m pretty sure everyone agrees that it’s better to have someone mad at you, than for them to be disappointed in you. It is not a good feeling knowing you’ve disappointed someone, it’s even worse when you’ve disappointed yourself.

Lets backtrack 5 or 6 years; I was always know as the heartless one with my friends. They wouldn’t come to me when they were upset because they knew they wouldn’t get much emotion out of me. I kind of let this define me and I got really good at keeping my feelings to myself.

Cut to present day and all of a sudden, I find myself standing on this figurative ledge, telling this captivating person how I feel about them and I get shot down.

Scheisse.

I started to fall backwards into my old ways of wanting to crawl under a rock. I was so disappointed in myself, I opened up to someone about my feelings. Why did I do that? I gave up on everything I believed in! I should have just kept it to myself. I felt like such an idiot. My mind started to spiral.

Then something weird happened.. life went on.

Of course, I was extremely embarrassed, and I still am *silently praying that he never reads this* but at the same time I’m also kind of proud. I did it! I opened up to someone! I told someone how I felt! Sure, it didn’t exactly go as planned, but it was still a big accomplishment. It’s a step in the right direction, away from the shadows of my safe, hiding place.

Somewhere along the journey of these past 6 years I guess something changed. I guess, I changed. I’m not exactly sure when I became this person who declares her feelings to attractive men then writes about the embarrassment of it on the internet, but whatever, I’ll go with it.

If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

Invisibility. The ability to travel through time and space.

“In the world of love Ethan, not that I’m such a genius at it…”

When it comes to love there are two types of people;

People who want to be needed, and

People who want to be wanted.

I’ll start with a disclaimer; I don’t know much about love, and for a very very long time I didn’t think I was capable of feeling love. Now that the clouds have parted and the sunshine has finally reached the dark corners of my mind, I realize I am worthy of love, and I am definitely capable of feeling it, but that being said, I’m still trying to figure it out. So far I’ve broken love down into two categories.

People who want to be needed. These are betas who think they are alphas. They’re people who have a big ego and little confidence. They want to be needed so they are in control. They want to have the upper-hand. This type of person who doesn’t care about your needs, only their own. With these people comes one-sided conversations, arguments, worry, and stress. I don’t mean to be painting such a negative photo, I’m just grabbing from past experiences, which is probably a bad idea, but you’re supposed to write about what you know, right? Not everyone who wants to be needed are like this however, there is always a rebuttal. For example, mothers. Mothers take care of their little baby from the day they are born, but as the baby grows they need their mother less and less. This causes mothers to want to be needed by their children. Until they are living on their own and still asking for money…..oops. Clearly though, mothers are not normally egotistical and wanting to be dominate over their children, but in relationship love I see people who want to be needed as people to avoid.

On the other side of the coin are people who want to be wanted. I see these people as confident, and self-aware. They set high standards for themselves and don’t settle. These are strong people who are comfortable with who they are. I think these are the people who strive for an equal and reciprocated love. A love that comes with compromises, equality, and friendship. These are the type of people who choose to be with you because they want to, not because they feel like they need to. Similar to the open birdcage metaphor, if you want to get figurative. The bird chooses to stay in the cage, even when it has the opportunity to fly free.

Throughout my 22 years, I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum. I’ve been the person wanting to be needed, and also the person wanting to be wanted. Looking back on things, I think I’ve definitely been in a happier mindset when I’m wanting to be wanted. When I was at my lowest I thought that I wasn’t wanted, so my only option was to be needed. This made it easy to slip into a relationship where I felt like I was needed, and forget about being wanted.

Now I realize that I deserve to be wanted, and that makes all the difference. I’m more confident and more like the person I want to be, not the person I was. I’m not saying I know the secret to a good relationship, and I’m not by any means an unbiased opinion, but I believe that if you are somebody who wants to be wanted, you will attract the same type of person. Now I know they are say opposites attract, but when it comes to love its probably a better idea to make your choice based on your own experiences, rather than the nature of magnets.